Drowning in the Misery; No Thoughts of Self-Preservation

The world was over, yet somehow the sun was still gently filtering through my open window. I could hear cars passing by and the sounds of children playing outside in the summer air; what is wrong with these people?
How can there still be laughter and happiness in a world that doesn’t revolve around her? How can there still be a reason for getting off this couch and starting a new day, when she won’t be there to share it with?

My back was aching but I didn’t bother moving. I had no intentions of moving, ever. My throat was swollen and soar, my eyes felt dry; like they’d been closed forever. I was exhausted even though judging by the amount of sun in the room it was well into the day; meaning I had slept for a long, long time.
Not long enough though.

Anything, any price in the world to go back to this time yesterday. To pull out the ring I had had in my room for years and wait with it by the front door before she got home; read her the inscription I had engraved so long ago. Vous avez toujours été mon amour ; avec cet anneau vous êtes ma vie. To do all the things I should have done a hundred times - no, a thousand times over - to make her stay; any price.

And then the sound again; the sound that had woken me from sleep, forcing me into this day. I could hear someone pounding at the door, but there was no reason to answer it; it wasn’t her.
After another round of knocking, the sound of a key moving into the lock. The door swung wide and I heard a voice call for me; but I continued on as I was, lifeless.

“Jesus Christ, Flower! What the hell happened to you?” I didn’t need to look up to know who was here; not that I cared. Staal moved over into my line of sight, flanked by Sidney, Max and Geno.

“Flower? Man… what happened? Where‘s Vero?” Sidney walked cautiously towards me, jumping back as my body cringed. The sound of her name ripped through me with enough force that it threatened to tear me apart.

“Don’t… don’t say her name… please.” I forced out through my lips, lowering my eyes away from his.

“Where is she Flower?” Sidney dared to ask again, timidly approaching the couch.

“Gone.” I croaked out before finally moving my body for the first time; just enough to cover my face with my hands. “Just go guys… I can’t do this… I need to be alone.”

“No, what you need it to get up and come with us. Mario said we needed to come find you, that you have to make a statement… he said you could do it at the same press conference as Max and Geno.”

I allowed my hands to flop from my face. “What are you talking about?”

“Mario said you guys broke up… I guess Ver- she must have told him.” Max corrected himself quietly from the side. “Geno and I had an… incident, that we need to discuss and Mario needs you to make a statement; or at least be present.”

I shook my head and rolled over until my face was buried in the couch. She had called Mario; this piece of information elated me, she was still out there somewhere. It shouldn’t have mattered, she didn’t want me anymore; but it still did, I knew it always would. “I can’t.” I said finally, pushing my face away from the couch enough that they could hear my clearly.

“Alright man, are you ok here? We’ll be back after… I can stay if you want…” Sidney said quietly from behind me. I shook my head before falling back into my comma like state.
I heard the boys move back into the entrance way; breaking out into hushed conversation.

“What the hell is wrong with him?” Max asked in a worried voice.

“Max, he just lost the love of his life. They were together for like… ever. He’s upset! Wouldn’t you be?” Sidney fired back, his empathy making him able to better understand my situation than Max, who replied:

“Nope, and I think he’s just lost his mind … no one could get that upset over a chick.”

Sidney gave a disgruntled sigh and I heard Jordan, “We’ll come back and check on him after, maybe try and take him out tonight…”

“Oh he’s coming out tonight! I’ve never been able to pick up chicks with Flower… tonight’s gonna be great!” Max laughed before I heard the door close and the house fell back into a defining silence.

I rolled over to allow myself more room to breath. As soon as my eyes saw the picture above the mantel, I wanted to turn away but I couldn’t. She use to scrunch her nose up when she was thinking hard; she use to bit her lip when she was trying to be seductive, trying to get her way. She use to sing to herself when she cleaned the house; and laughed at me when I tried to help.
She was perfect; the right amount of beauty, poise, attitude and stubbornness. She had a quiet grace and calming presence; but she was gone now, and none of it counted for anything.

I had the fleeting thought that I should go upstairs, stretch out my soar muscles on the large soft bed that was waiting, empty; but I knew I couldn’t go up there. There was too much of her up there, too many memories…

I threw my arm over my face and allowed the misery to take me away again; as I prayed that the world would just leave me here to mourn, alone.